Welcome To The Best Kind Of Employee Handbook Sample!
Employee handbook sample? Or what is employee handbook actually? It’s a book that is given to you by your employer. The employee handbook doesn’t include your benefits but it contains company procedures and policies.
Here is an employee handbook sample. Hope you won’t take it personally and won’t recommend this sample to your boss to accept it. Don’t forget – the Boss is always right! Let’s start…
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We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. Why? If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive one hundred four (104) personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st and December 25th.
Don’t forget to revise this policy to adapt your county holidays.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Sim Fast.
It is advised you come to work dressed according to you salary. If we see you wearing $300 Prada sneakers, and carrying $650 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and there you don’t need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn t manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes , and therefore you don’t need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Death, Your Own
This will be accepted as an excuse. But we would to have at least two (2) week’s notice, as we feel it’s your duty to teach someone else your job.
Quantity of Work
No matter how much you do, you will never do enough.
Quality of Work
The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
- an alarm will sound,
- the toilet paper roll will retract,
- the stall door will open
- and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Therefore, all questions, frustrations, comments, allegations, concerns, complaints, irritations, accusations, aggravations, insinuations, consternation, contemplations, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Help needed! Do you know any other company policies that can be added to employee handbook sample above? Let’s create the best kind of employee handbook together. Leave your comment below!
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